Username Challenged

This is going to be a long, probably disjointed, train of thought posting. If you are linear and need structure, I would stop reading now. There is also a lot of background information.

So, when we were trying searching for a donor, I created a profile on the cryobank’s website. You need to in order to place an order, so I did my typical username which is my first.last name. It was just a natural choice. Clearly, I am not creative.

Then, when we got pregnant, I saw a message board on the cryobank site that was asking if anyone had gotten pregnant using the donor. A few other women confirmed they had, and so excitedly, I posted that we were expecting also. No big deal. Yep. We’re pregnant. We’re due in September. Donor is good. End. of. story.

Or so I thought. Remember, I said I am not bright when it comes to usernames.

Fast forward to around April of last year, when I was pregnant. Lauren was a teeny bit sad/envious that I could feel the baby move and kick and wiggle and she couldn’t yet. Also, she was so excited to be a mom. So one day, I get a Facebook message from a woman who I have never seen before. Her message (in a nutshell) says that she saw my post that I got pregnant using the donor, and that she also used that donor with her partner and they had a 6 month old child. A simple Facebook search of my first and last name turned up a picture of a preggo and she realized it was me. Pretty crafty on her part.

So I told Lauren. Big mistake.

She was not excited, nor could I say I was at the moment. We chose an unknown/anonymous donor for the main reason that we wanted our baby to know us as parents and not worry about the masked man who provided the goods. We also were a bit freaked out by the thought of other half-siblings floating around. Lauren felt a little freaked out by the thought of someone else having a kid out there with half of Lillian’s DNA since she hadn’t even met Lillian. All around we were stunned and not sure of what to do. What I did was delete her message.

Fast forward to February or so of this year. Lillian was here and wonderful. We are elated.

One day, the subject of this other kid out there came up. Suddenly I was curious. Did I want to find them again? Did I not? Lauren and I are both only children with secret wishes that we had siblings. Would Lillian wish she knew about this kid, or would she not care? So, I did a simple thing as a possible bait to find this woman again (aside from the million facebook searches to try to find her again, but I couldn’t remember her name).  I posted on the Sibling Registry for the cryobank, and simply put that Lillian existed and her birthdate. To my surprise, there was the woman who found me before… and ANOTHER woman. With a baby. 3 weeks older than Lillian.

::breathe. breathe.::

I also realized that the child of the woman who found me before was almost exactly 1 year older than Lillian. 1 donor. 3 kids. All about a year apart. Wow.

Long story short — she found me again on Facebook. At first I was a little excited, and I still am. But then I saw the pictures…

For months, people told me how much Lillian looked just like me. I would always say “Really?!”, but was secretly giddy with glee that she looked like me. As she got older, I saw it more and more. I was so excited. I honestly never thought that she possibly resembled anyone else but me. I think not knowing what the donor really looked like helped that aspect of it.

But this kid. This other kid. This kid in another state who I never would have known. He. looks. like. Lillian. Or should I say she looks like him. A lot.

For the first few weeks, all I saw when I looked at her was this other kid. I stopped seeing me in her, or my mom or my grandfather. I saw him. And not in a bad way. He is handsome. But there is no denying the resemblance. So much so that I think if we had seen him in public, I would have stopped to take a doubletake.

So where does this lead me now…

We are friends on Facebook and we comment on each other’s stuff. I recently sent her a message explaining my thoughts about it all (not in this much depth) and I haven’t heard from her. I am sure she will read this post on my blog.

Do I want them to meet? A part of me yes. Very much. Am I nervous? Sure. Why? No idea.   We are going to on a trip next weekend and will be closer to them than we are at home (does that make sense). The thought has crossed my mind to set up a meeting. I have even googlemapped the distance to see if there is anything in the middle. But how would it be? Clearly they are too young to understand or know anything… but we do. Is it weird? Is it ok?

I think this is something that I am going to be mulling over for a while. I think I am leaning more towards the super excited side than anything else, but it still is strange. Anonymous donor. Found biological connection.

Ah, lesbians. I thought there was only drama in college. Apparently, I just create my own.


6 thoughts on “Username Challenged

  1. The universe works in mysterious ways… I’m not in your shoes so I certainly can’t say “I understand” — that wouldn’t honor your feelings. But perhaps the universe has saw fit to have your paths cross for a reason?


  2. If you read my recent post you know I just met up with one donor sibling– and there is another that we are trying to find a way to meet up with (logistics. We are all down with it.) For me, it is super exciting, though I understand every family is different. I would go with your feelings, though I think it is important for you and Lauren are on the same page so you can figure out how to present the idea of bio-related non-sibs to Lillian.
    Genetics is only a shadow of a connection. Family is so much more than that. It’s nice to have the option, though it in no way obligates you.

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